Winners Guide

getting older

there comes a time in everyones life where they just keep living. yep. im older now. I can already feel the old age affect my back and knees. I am older by some standard yes but in a sense I dont feel older. It just feels like a regular week, a regular thursday. Every minute passes the same but now the number has gone up.

SO yeah it is MY birthday. no one elses. It's my special day. and Only mine. this day belongs to me.

well, it would be nice to switch birthdates. honestly my dirthday falls on such an inconvienent, unspecial, stupid boring day. the only thing really "special"about this date was the fact that adolf hitler rose to power on this same day. Fun!

learned about that neat little fact in middle school, we were doing some kind of gay little activity like finding out any significant events that took place same day as our birthday. I remember how weird I felt. this special little day of mine isnt really special at all. Its not my day at all. Well, duh, but when your eleven that shit hits deep.

I remember how I used to were the cutest little pink prize ribbon that stated, in fact, it was my birthday, in all its meaninglessly gendered cuteness. this wasnt no regular birthday. nuh uh, this is a "giiirrrllsss" birthday, which of course means something much different.

I would skip around school with the prize ribbon in the middle of my chest, and bother the unfortunate soul who dared speak to the BirthdayBoy that it was, infact, my Birth-Day.

such a silly thing i was. I look back at every memory with some fondness, since I'm glad to have been able to remember them. I have terrible memory, and there will be times where I'm closer to some memories durign certain times. Kind of like an unskippable cutscene, a flashback, a 30second ad, if you will.

i have forgotten my entire life up until 9th grade, and even those memories are slipping from me. I dont remember any of my teachers names from that year, or the schedual i had. it has always been me to try and peice together what was left, and I always appreciate being given more peices to the puzzle.

Its nice in a way, as i really only rememebr the really good or really bad things. I can loook back at my life and say I was living fast in a way, just moving to the next day. I was never trying to make memories, but there are things that really just stuck with me. My special day was always a good day, and maybe so was the day after that, and the week after that. it gave somethign to look forward to in the everflowing stream of life, where there is nothing to do but just keep living.

I know ther is this thought experiment people do, where they would try and think of how their younger self would describe them now; to give them a point of reference in some sort of self-reflection. I know the idealized little girl wont recognize me, and I wont remember her. I would just think that she would be happy everyday, because thats what she deserves, and not just waiting for the days to be happy.

Its why this day doesnt feel remarkable. Im just waiting for the day to start, for My day. It is my day now, past the 11:59pm mark. And MY days are like every other day. But, as it is 1:33am My day hasnt even really started yet. I hope i can make it into a day I can remember, but even if its all dull and boring, I think Ill still remember that, and i know I'll be okay with it, because Im going to keep living and having more days to mold into my own.

So? whats the winners guide for getting older?

MAKE THIS DAY YOUR BITCH

The time of Giving

is (almost)moungst us

need a little something to get into the spirit of shistmas?

Christmas Tree (It Snows) - Parody of Guillotine by Death Grips

ALL RIGhT!!!! im feeling it. after 4 whole weeks of my bus driver playing christmas music to and from school(a.k.a the 2 times in the day when im at my peak exhaustion)(also yes i kinda did this to myself because i dont put my earbuds in but its hard to read manga while listening to music JEEZ!!!!)Im now just FINALLY in the CONSUMERIST SPIRIT~~~!!! i want to buy things...muehehehe...

And what are you going to get MR.226HBPM? you all say with your eyes pleading-because Im sure your all dying to know- OF COURSE; a steam giftcard!!!!

there are many games ive been eyeing that i dont think ill go too into depth here about, manily because my about page will do that, but also because once I start i will NOT stop. Some games include of course; ULTRAKILLLLLLLL!!! and the one IchimatuSuzuka made recently(i would look up the name but my phone is playing music bc my laptop is acting weird(long story)) but GOODDDDD i rally want to play it.. and maybe get the other games as well like GoHOME or Curse of yaso? ive also been eyeing this one game called MK Ultra Tower Defence. I have the demo for it(cuz its free) And i really like it. I think the full game will come out sometime this month? idk and idc im getting it.

Speaking of games not out yet, im DEFFFFinetly getting ENA dream BBQ whenever it comes out teehee:3. And for the final game I may buy(if i dont become an evil pirate) is touhou...yes..touhou...but the one everyone recomends first with the scarlet devil. (i think touhou16?) Ive been thinking about it for a while and....well.. I also watched Koishi Komeji's heart Throbbing Adventure and lowkey im super into touhou now. all the characters are so cute!!! its kinda the same reason i get into a lot of franchises.(madoka magica(yes i watched it for the cute girls and didn't know it was phycological horror;_;)), higurashi when they cry, toilet bound hanako kun, lucky star, vocaloid/utau, does sanrio count?) I know its wierd for a grown ass man to say this but.. i love cute girls. ill take my leave.

9 Hour TouHou Jazz Playlist That Fucks

Honest sincerity

this is yap slop

No tags, no webrings, no tiktok no instagram no discord no twitter no youtube no spacehey or blogger or actually what-the-hell-ever anyone uses to talk to eachother, to get their name out and have a following. if you found this website it is from the sheer will god or doom-scrolling the recently updated section(((or i showed you my QR code IRL(im so sorry Ms.B))))

point is, im secluded mostly. I dont really know how i feel about that. Because its just an echo chamber now isnt it? whats the point of discarding all social media off my damn devices if im still in that negative self-centered mind-set ive always been in? At least with social media i got to see others opinions.

Ive hated the word shy, because thats not exactly what it is, its more sinister. Its some type of misanthropy i feel hearing other people, its rude to say btu for most I really just dont care fore them or what they have to say. I dont like most people bc i know I cant get along with those people; not comfrontational, but judgmental.

its down right pretensious to say, but i know i am an "other". The idea of trying to find community when I am always changing and will probably lose all those people because I am a short fuse of intollerance;;;it just sounds exaughsting. I do know humans are social creatues, and that disagreements are bound to happen in any group, but from where i'm from(butt-fuck trump-lovin yall-sayin no-where) The 'disagreement' is wether i should be allowed to live or not, and should i really(italisized) be tolerant of that? getting to know someone for so long only for them to slip and really tell you who they are.(reading this back, this sounds like a fear of people high-key, its something I have to work on i see that now)

Another way i see it is that I'm not well versed socially. I have such a horrible fear of rejection it would be comical if it werent me. I want to agree with people, but with such fundamental moral(italicized) disagreements its just not possible. I want to be known and famous and cool but i know with how much i dislike people it wouldnt be a possibility. it's an odd thing really.

However, fame is different isnt it?? like, you dont know your fans and they dont know you, they just pick the parts they like and forget the parts they dislike. Connections as fame is different because you have to know them and put up with them and arhhh.. what am i saying again? (I have this weird policy where if i delete anything im being fake so im not deleting the side tangents sorruu~)

This overall idea has manifested in this seclusion, and im not just saying its about other people. Ive only recently started thinking for myself and realized i suck when im sincere. the type of person whose good to look at but not think about; Shallow. I am this way, and perhaps to an extent think others are this way(classic projection baby)

i see the sincerity of other people and it scares me how someone can be so honest and polarizing that I would hope to never be that way. But now with this website I am forcing myself out there, and sincerity is the name of the game here. You can tell with my older blog posts i sound extremely incoherent with odd linguistic choices. I was trying my hardest to write something about me that was at the same time extremely not me, just so i wont be vunriable-or something, i dont completely have it down yet. it's cringe, but not in the out-dated use of cringe to put others down type of cringe, but it makes ME cringe because its not sincere.

i wanted to make this to explain why i dont have any social outlets, but it mainly is just explaining my fear of people.(I guess it goes hand in hand) Point is, im a shallow pond with 4 fish of the same size and color with 10 types of overgrown algea and is continueslly being polluted by the urianium mine upstream.

thats all. thanks for reading.

Spicy Potato Dumpling Recipe

ULTRA UPDAyTE

efaerhetohlaohlk

I want to try and keep this blog updated!! as you can tell i added a buuunch of other shit, so mjuch stuff to the sides that I dont know what to add in the middle! i think its time i add that live chat thing to fill up that space. I was also thinking of a fanart section(since my freind tends to do that for meh) as well as a Swordmachine Saturday(coined by 747shove i think ^_^) thing where i draw a little swordsmachine every saturnday:3

Just a little context for all the comics, the first one i made is the CVC-Deal, then the WTTVIH-idiot shorts were a speed test to see how fast i could make a comic from idea to completion(which is about 8 hours counting the time making the cover) then CVC-addicted, which took like a whole month bc i just didnt want to do it. Thats why theres a random art style change and why the writing sucks.(dont worry I know its really bad, but mistakes helps us grow or somthing^-^) then the WTTVIH-TFOYL(sorry about these god awful nicknames;_;) came in a bout of genius and i forgot about it;_; I have a lot of things going for me i just need to be commited:3

Im learning very much throughout this html journey!! just today i learned how to make the hover animations ease out isntead of snapping back when unhovered. Ive also been having a loooot of fun with box shadows after learning about the "inset" property thingy. you can tell how much i love both of these things by lookking at the GOBB area..i think I went a bit overboard(its a bit buggy actually;_;). the aethetics have changed so much from the areas like the U.A.A and ToddScans1.

ive been doing a healthy amount of updating its crazy. i have issues not completing things in one sitting so when i get started on something I don stop or move. Ive only recently realized ive been doing this, and it applies to everything i do honestly. but recently ive been spacing out how I work on this website. I worked a bit on Nov 29th,30th,and now dec 1st to complete the updayte:3 i think this slow drip feed will help me have a more positive relationship updating this wesite so i can do it more

also, to keep in line with all the healthy stuff, to allow me to get some sleep, the about area will be delayed untill next update. I actually started to work on it, then realized the insane amount of things i need to add and bacause of its akward state, ive unlinked it until it gets a proper upday.

one thing ive been wanting to do is to make whole blogs deticated to one subject, like my love for certain artists or games(GOBB :drool_emoji:) though whenever i get over here to update the blog i never want to do it;_; however i recently realized that with the GOBB site i actually really like ranting. So i think the best choice for me is to make a separate website for me to really delve into these interest. But fear not! i know the correct term is a shrine:3

Ive also realized how confusing this website must be to everyone else. Dont worry! it has dawned on me. These comics all apart yet there are repeating charaters, who even are these guys??FEAR NOT! for the next update ill be making a character index! i dont know for which story yet(in chronological order; CVC-CS, CVC, OK+1, CONSEQUENCE, ViroIroHOSPITAL)(of course eventually some of my ultraOC's ) Since there isnt a full story for these guys anywhere but my head, i know this index will be helpfull for me to remember ideas. I want these indexes to have a similarity to the blog and about areas, but have more of a collage-ish feel. So, give me some time for that!:3

My thanksgiving week has been great. Ive been out of school so of course i cant be happier. one thing is th ULTRAKILL PLUASHIE DROP!!! YES, I KNEW!!!and NO, I WASnt ABLE TO GET ONE!!1!1!!Im berry upset by this. But dont worry, I know that if one's happiness is dependent soley on the aquisition of things, then happiness can never be achieved. Im still as happy without a plushie. IM NOT FUCKING COPING!!!!SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!! anyway there was litterally 200,000 people eyeing the tweet they made and they only had a stock of 5,000??:face_palm: I hope John newBlood wasnt lying when they said that theyre looking to drop more soon, i just hope soon isnt another 2 years;_; im so glad im not on social media bc i know when people start posting their plushies i would starrt going feral like genuinely.

other than that my week has tame and tranquil. the heater in my house is all busted(like toooo hot) so i stole a fan no one was using and now i have three (3) fans and theyre all running right now. 1 ceiling fan, 1 desk fan(like fnaf) and 1 standing fan. the energy im using up must be crazyy amounts of high;_; but ive been sleeping so fucking good and napping every second...

Also ive been reading the Higurashi when they cry manga. Holy fuck. honestly the fanservice made me so close to turning that shit off but the story is one i really enjoy for now. Im past the cotton drifting arc(the name is in japanese so idk what its called)but i must say im having trouble putting the phone down!!its kept me intrigued. ive been reading it instead of updating my website blehh^-^'

I think I should add more blinkies around honestly, i have so many in a folder i need to hurry up and use em. but thats all for now, sorry not sorry for the long post today have a good day/night :3

I Didnt dies:3

its been a whole month alreadyO_o

I wasn't planning on leaving such huge gaps between updates, I have so much I would like to share. However, i have the mental state one can expect from a webmaster. I wish i could promise another weekly update but who the hell knows. Its all just so weird.

throughout these few weeks(month ;-;) that ive been away ive been feeling abnormal. like different and deformed in such a way there is a hole in my head i cannot see but i need to fill. like having an emtpy stomach. ive been having an empty brain, a brain so empty all the thoughts echo. Ive thought of everything; low blood sugar,eating too much or little, caffine withdrawl, lack of sleep, over abundance of sleep, prehaps some odd unknown trauma affecting me or just..uh! idk!! i cant seem to rid of it, so ive been waiting it out. which of course, took a month.

also school is still fucking my ass sorry/not sorry for the vulgarity. I have this one teacher(and i mean this in the nicest way possible) who fucking sucks. Ive been studying for all these damn(online) tests and wondering why im making a C. i confronted this mf and it turns out hes been letting the computer grade these tests without going in aand manually grading the questions the computer cant answer(which were the short answer ones) I remember looking at his computer. No one got higher than a 78%, because such a huge amount of the test was fucking short answer. Excuse me, has the thought maybe never crosed you mind why no one in your class is making it higher than a C??? It eventually got fixed but its been 3 six weeks already, report cards have already been out. this negligance has caused damage. And im just getting started honestly, i could go on abt school ;_;.

but for now I wont, maybe some other time. Im way to tired to think of anything.

it hasn't been all doom and gloom, ive had my fair share of fun. I recently went to a concert(im wearing the band t-shirt for them rn itss sooo :drool-emoji:), and also got a cat:3. hes a real cutie too!! my sister found him on the side of the road, hes a white and orange tabby thing and hes supar affacttionate!! ^W^.

also, context on the moth bolls image, my family recently had a rat problem so theyve been using math balls to rid them. and if you have your thinking cap on you should already know that little white balls aint gonna do shit against rats like?? she also used them improperly I think and i may get some kinda fucked up desiease but who cares. at the peak of the infestation, id say ther was a moth ball every 12 iches from eachother covering our whole house. i cant get the sight and smell out of my head so, they infect my website also.

Im glad I was finally able to make the update and blog separate, though that originaly idea of sharing my tetris scores may not happen bccccc ive been blowing and sucking @ tetris lately its not even funny and i dont wanna talk about it;_; im being silly but its downright embarrassing.

SO to wrap this up because its realllyyy late (3:35am) ill try and think of somethings to fill the about me section with. Well, i already know, its just I dont know how to make everythign fit together. kind of like this website; theres no real theme. everything is clashing together to vy for your attention with bright colors(i really fucking love intense colores) somewhere else. kinda like ads?;-; I feel like this website is just a great way to show people how I think because i really do just think with bright color and images sloppily pasted together. I like to think its substance over style right now? maybe? or perhaps the aesthetic is that it looks like shit? idk.

okay ONE more thing. this person had a website with articles and blogs and at the end of each one of them they had a comment section and i thought that was soooo supa cute and i really want to do that too, however 1) im not reallly makign any intelectual discussion like they were 2) i kinda made this entire website to show everything i make without the social aspect;-; 3) bro how tf do you even program that??? 4) im at 50% space left in neocities before they KICK my ass out (landlord style) and i have to make every INCH of space count;_; BUT...internet intaction sounds so funsies... Im definetly doing it i just dont know when:3.

okay thats all!!!if you readed this..no you didnt.. have a nice day though, wherever you are C:

DIED!

10/20/24 8:00AM

It's been exactly 7 days! so basicallly, I was able to complete the goal i set. Kinda. Still havent gotten to the pylon website, or the 3d modeling(but ive been thinking about it excessively)Wish i could complete more but school has been kicking my ass and making me exptremely drowsy( the eeper stamp).

Also Im addicted to tetris. Im not joking, its been distracting me so much i havent been able to update this website. I am a tetris freak. Tetris is my crack. I would love to share my highscores and stuff, but thats for when I make the Update+Blog seprate. I saw someone add tumblr posts into their html and it facinated me, so i may try that for a blog, and keep the updates here. No promises tho, I don't use tumblr.

about the update; Added the TTOD scans of my summer sketchbook I mentioned last update, this time trying a new technique of splitting the pages up so the load time isn't super long. For clarity, The Yellow scans comes first chronologically. I think I did pretty good with the portals; the website design was fun to do.(I know its janky dw) I only uploaded about 52 of the 67 pages; they were just cringe honestly. i may make a website of the Forbidden Pages ouuuu.

Some of those pages not addded to the TTOD summer scans were some comics, which I want to make into their own pages; give them cute little portals. I have a lot of comics, but only 5 are Ultrakill related, so the others wont be recieving priority any time soon.(hopefully I dont run out of space T_T)

Speaking of thigns I wan't to do, i do want to add artist commentary to these pages, of course on their own separate pages so no one will be forced to read them. and adding to the topic of communication, I was considering having some kind of method of contact, like a twitter or spacehey. But then I go outside, and forget about it. I don't have much to say anyways.

Another thing I may add is my own custom stamps at the end of each page, as a sort of souvenir.(Idc if i spelt that wrong) Adds a reward for making it all the way. I was thinking of it adding to the footer element; somethhing like,"I survived the TTODYELLOw scans and all I got was this stamp" and then a huge clickbait youtube red arrow and cricle pointing to the little stamp. I really like the idea, but I don't know how to make them animated.


Okay that's all. See you next week with another update hopefully. I'm gonna play tetris.

AGAIN!!!

10/12/24 7:00PM

Couldn't sleep; new location added. (Thinking I call them portals..which is very cringe ik) It has a slow as hell load time, so I might take half the images and put them on a different page for better preformance. I would've done that already, but the page aethetics look really good in my humblest opinion. I know i could just add a page 2 onto that page, but I want everything to be visible from here. Just trust the vison. Also i am so deeply embarrassed about this but I mispelled the page and i'm too wuss to change it.

Wanted to 3d model today but it's gonna hafta wait sadly. gives me more time to plan which may be a good thing. Honestly I need to make a ref sheet for the character im doing but ref sheets actually make me bang my head into a wall. I can't put my attention into an art peice that takes more than 2hours.

The portal image for the TTOD scans is that of another TTOD scan, which is the reason I made this website in the first place. trying to get the orginal image from the printer onto my phone is such a hassle, so I though to put the images somewhere so I can download them easier. I did the original art during the summer, of which I filled an entire sketchbook with my Swordsmachine Oc's. I like to think this is where my level 9.1 catastophic autism event started.

UPDAYE

10/12/24 10:00AM

This thing! added a little area for text/ blogs; Getting this thing even scrollable was such a challenge. The HTML is such an absolute mess only held together by popsicle sticks and gum, finding anything has become a chore if not for my lord and saviour ctrl-F. The smallest things happen and everything falls apart. V'glad i'm time-blind, taking 8 hours to add a scroll is very de-motivating(?) when your aware of it. The sweet sleep lost...TDLR; me needs to clean-up the damn code.

Love-hate relationship with this process, I just wanna get better and this becomes a breeze. i just am unawares if i'm doing things in the right order, should i add this or that, but ill just keep going forward. Another thing, Got rid of that damn mobile version because it just would'nt work. Need ta herry up and add more of these pop-ups, currently everything is a place holder; trust, there is method in the madness(ugliness).

Tryna get ready to 3d model again after a few month, quite the humbling experience. By humbling i means increadibly fustrating, lost alot of skill already. But I like to think im dedicated, hopefully a few sleepless nights will get me back on track.

I already have huge ideas for this website that getting things done in small incraments just doesnt feel right. Speaking of Ideas, im obsessed with pylons in my area, and was thinking of putting the few images I've taken around my area in here, because why not. Stick around for that, ill set a date by the end of this week; if it doesnt happen I died; i swear im not lazy.

was wondering if i should explain myself on the god awful art gallery, just little texts here and there explaining what the hell I was thinking. I beg no ultrakill fans ever see this website, because it gets worse.

To finish this session, im gonna badazzle the place with blinkies and stamps; its internet tradition right?